Not a bad outfit...

photo by French Maid TV

This is part two. Check out part one here.


You don't understand foreplay

No, we're not talking about massaging her feet for twenty minutes. Foreplay, it seems, started way before any of that.

"When you walk up and say hello, it's foreplay. When you flirt, it’s foreplay. When you take her on a date, when you're watching a movie, when you're talking on the phone…all of that is foreplay," says Thompson.

What the hell is the point, you ask? Apparently, girls fall for guys through resistance. You know, push and pull. Give and take. That means you've got to play a little hard to get and become a challenge to make her want to follow you to your bedroom.

It's up to you to separate yourself from the rest of the chumps, create some sexual tension, and make her want to pursue you.

If you just met at a bar, don't let her pick where you'll meet next, advises Thompson. You decide. And don't go out for coffee or dinner. Try something a bit different like going skateboarding in the park or going on a brewery tour. Show you're interested by lightly touching or by playfully making fun of her. Once you know she's interested as well, cool off and don’t do anything for a while.

"This type of tension often leads to some great sex," says Thompson.

And as far as in the bedroom, let the girl decide how much foreplay is needed. "If she’s a confident girl, you can pretty much count on her guiding you to what she likes," says Thompson. "If she wants you to go downtown, she'll push your head down there. If she wants to get right to it, she'll let you know."


The bottom line: Be a challenge and let her follow you. Nobody likes a sure thing. And when you move to the bedroom, switch roles and let her lead you.

You're not focused enough on her

You don't watch porn for the cinematography or superb acting. You watch it to get off. Quickly.

Unfortunately for some guys (but mostly unfortunate for the girls), the slam-bam-thank-you-ma’am action is how they view sex too.

"Sometimes we just want to hand him some Jergens and tell him to do it himself," says Thompson. "These are the types of guys who finish way before we do and probably don’t even know what a female orgasm looks like."

Ouch.

But you don't need to think about baseball or Aunt Harriet’s Christmas party to keep yourself cocked and ready to rock. Just focus a little more on her.

"Notice what she's responding to," says Thompson. "Most guys are thrusting away when we really just want to take it slow or increase the sensitivity."

If she's on top facing you and gently rubbing her clit against you with her eyes closed, it's a pretty safe bet that you shouldn't spin her around and try anything that involves ass slapping and boot-stuck-in-the-mud noises.

And before you even get started, you better show some respect and wrap up. "One of the biggest turn-offs is a guy who tries to persuade a girl to have sex without a condom," says Thompson. "No, you're not 'too big', and yes, you can feel it even with one on. We're not stupid."

The bottom line: Wrap up and focus on what makes her feel good. You're probably going to get off any way, and making it enjoyable for her is a sure-fire guarantee she’ll make it enjoyable for you.

You act and talk like you're Ron Jeremy auditioning for a part in Space Sluts IV

Think of the first night of sex like a job interview. You're both trying to figure out if you're a good match for each other. And just like telling a potential boss that you like to sleep in late, punch babies, and stalk celebrities, you probably want to avoid looking like an idiot the first time you’re in bed with a new girl.

"Save anything you learned from the Kama Sutra for at least the second night," advises Thompson. "That's to ensure there is a second night."

So don't come in wearing a cop outfit, touting your prowess at anal-sex, or offer to show her the Preying Mantis.

But that doesn't mean you can't be creative, either. "Definitely don't get stuck in the missionary position," says Thompson. Unless, of course, she’s really enjoying it.

"Most of the time guys try to change positions right when we're finally getting turned on. It's frustrating as hell. Just find one or two positions both of you like and ride it home."

And while we're at it, don't make any stupid fucking comments like "you're a dirty slut" or "I feel like I'm on a rocket ship."

"And whatever you do, don't be a survey-taker," says Thompson. "Those are the guys who stop in the middle of sex and ask 'Am I doing OK?'"

"Look at her face when you’re done," Thompson says. If she's smiling, you did well.

The bottom line: Follow the KISS principle. Keep It Simple, Stupid. Don't screw up your chances for round two, by going for the TKO on the first night.


About the Contributors:

Dana R. Carney is Assistant Professor at Columbia University, Graduate School of Business. She received her PhD in Social Psychology from Northeastern University in 2004 and was a Mind, Brain, and Behavior Post Doctoral Fellow from 2004-2008 at Harvard University in the Department of Psychology. Professor Carney studies rapid social judgment and decision making.

Jamie Thompson is a dating coach who helps men of all ages to be successful in their dating lives. She has been coaching men in various capacities for three years, and is a certified success coach and hypnotherapist. If you’re interested in phone coaching, professional wing woman services, hypnotherapy, and workshops on attraction and connection, check out her site.

Posted Mar 14, 2009 by Nate Green.
This entry is filed under lifestyle.