Time to play ball

It's no secret we build our bodies to not only feel and perform great, but to look great. Most of us have internalized the idea that the Vagina Express doesn't make regular stops in Fatfuckland or Skinnybitchville. It's safe to say that a guy who looks good simply has a better chance of hooking up.

So what happens when he walks into a bar hoping to find a hot, young thang for some first night carnality?

According to many sex experts, usually not a damn thing. In fact, most never get past the introduction.

And if he does manage to get her home?

Let's just say the phrase "I'm sorry. This never happens!" is the go-to response when his teammate either doesn't want to suit up for the game or, worse, blows the lead in the first quarter.

That's why I asked Dana Carney, PhD, and relationship coach Jamie Thompson to identify and correct seven of the most common mistakes they see young guys make in courtship and in the bedroom.

Ignoring their advice? Well, that would just be stupid.

You don't know to look for "approach invitations."

Walk into any club, café, or bar and you'll often see a muted mating dance between guys and girls who are teeming with anxiety and faux indifference.

According to Carney, people regularly send non-verbal signals back and forth to indicate things like dominance, security, and sexual interest. Most guys just don't pay any attention to them. "People listen to words or notice overt gestures, but often don’t understand how rich non-verbal information and subtle cues are," she says. According to some scientists, non-verbal communication outdates language and is thus ingrained in our DNA.

So a girl may be sending you all the signals that she wants you to approach her, but because she didn't explicitly say "You should come talk to me," many guys either chicken out or flat-out don't notice.

So how can you tell if she's interested? Carney suggests looking for deviations in her baseline set of behaviors.

"Imagine a girl who's hunched over a glass of wine and maybe looking in a particular direction," she says. "And then you walk by and all of a sudden she sits up and starts to touch her hair or her wrists. Or maybe she's talking to friends when she notices you, and her rate of speech speeds up, or her voice becomes higher or lower, or she starts licking her lips. Those are all changes that shifted because of the new stimulus that entered her awareness."

Think about that for a minute.

Could be the girl in the café who was hovering by as you ordered your coffee wasn’t really reading the newspaper. Perhaps she was establishing a closer physical proximity. And the girl at the bar who started talking louder to her friends when you walked by may have been trying to get you to notice her.

The bottom line: Become aware of all the unspoken "conversations" and train yourself to notice when a girl is giving you the green light. If you’ve got it, smile, approach and start a conversation. Just don’t be that guy. Read on.


You're way too focused on being perfect and come off as a "try-hard."

Everyone's been in a group with the guy who talks to himself ("Now what did I do yesterday?") and nervously laughs after every joke while expectantly looking around to see if others in the group are laughing. It's hard not to feel sorry for him when he's obviously trying be a part of the conversation. He's usually tolerated but is eventually closed out and left looking awkward on the outskirts of the group. You don't want to be that guy.

Jamie Thompson believes guys who act like this aren't being congruent with their personality. They're too focused on the outcome instead of having fun in the moment.

"You can't fake confidence, a sense of humor, or having a good time," she says. "And those are all things girls find attractive."

So what if you lack confidence or have a sense of humor most people don't understand? Just go with it and be yourself.

"There's a lot of evidence that suggests we like people who are seen as fallible more than infallible," adds Carney. "Who wants to be with someone who has to be perfect all the time?"

"If a guy has a lot of good qualities, but then fucks up and drops a drink or says something stupid in a social interaction, the question becomes: how does he finesse that into a way that's cute or turn it into self-deprecating humor?"

The bottom line: Girls are used to getting approached and are extremely adept at noticing who's sincere or who’s trying hard. The simple fact you got over your approach anxiety and started a conversation sets you apart from the other guys in the venue. Don’t screw it up by trying to be someone you’re not.

You act like either a petulant child or a castrated monk in conversation.

While some guys may try too hard, others are blatantly not trying at all and walk into a group of girls expecting them to take charge and lead the conversation.

"It's generally accepted that women constantly test guys in one way or another to see how confident and socially comfortable they are," says Thompson. "But one thing we really like is a guy who knows what he wants."

According to her, most guys either back down too quickly, or, thinking that women respond to jerks, become over-the-top rude. But why?

Thompson has a theory.

"Most guys are pussies."

According to her, guys never had a "masculine movement" that countered the feminist revolution. So women got stronger and more independent and guys became, well, pussies.

"Some perfectly great guys have this kind of feminine shell and don’t know how to interact," she says. "They're not entertaining, engaging, or interesting. They're more like other women or gay friends than someone we could see ourselves getting involved with."

Her advice? If you're in a group of girls, make them laugh. Say something outrageous. Ask them about the most dangerous or taboo thing they've ever done. Show that you’re an interesting guy who isn’t intimidated by them. Be a gentleman who knows what he wants.

The bottom line: Girls aren't stupid; they know what guys are after. Hell, many of them are after the same thing. (But more on that in a minute.) Walking into a situation and not knowing how to take control, sitting there like a puppet, or trying to establish dominance by being a jerk is a pretty good way to ensure you'll be spending the night masturbating into your sock.

You don't understand that some girls just want to have fun. (As in, no strings attached sex.)

That sentence alone is enough reason to jump up and down and howl at the moon. As it turns out, girls want casual sex just as much as guys do. Probably more.

"There have definitely been times when I've gone out with my friends with the main goal to have fun and hook up," says Thompson. "We know guys want the same thing but a lot of them are too afraid to go with it and bring it up in conversation, so we end up waiting around. Everybody loses."

So why doesn't the girl you’re talking to just come out and say "I'd like to introduce you to my bed?"

Because she's a lady, you jack-ass.

"There's always been a stigma attached," adds Carney. "Girls who have casual sex without a relationship are considered slutty and boys who have casual sex are seen as studly."

But thanks to cultural icons like Madonna and TV shows like Sex in the City, the stereotypes are starting to slightly shift.

"You see women like Angelina Jolie who are empowered sexually but also strong and mothering at the same time," says Carney. "She looks like a woman who has no boundaries and others are starting to see that."

But you can't just walk into a bar and say "I find you biologically suitable to bear my children." You’ve got to know when women are looking for casual sex.

Thompson's got a few ideas. "If they've just broken up with their boyfriend or when they're on vacation is the best time,” she says. "Girls know what they want so you can drop the whole 'but she’s just on a rebound' thing. We know we're on the rebound. That's why we want to have sex with you."

The bottom line: Girls have just as much of a sexual appetite as you, and could be willing to follow you home if you follow one simple rule: don't treat hear like a slut. "It's really important that you implicitly let her know that you respect her," says Thompson. So don't bad-mouth your ex-girlfriend or talk about how skanky the girl in a mini-skirt sitting across the bar looks. She's taking mental notes to see if you respect women.


Note from Nate: Part Two will be posted soon!

Posted Mar 11, 2009 by Nate Green.
This entry is filed under lifestyle.